So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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