Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
