My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
