I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
