The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
and she was petting her beer can
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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