I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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