I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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