It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
