I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she told me i tasted like america
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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