Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
