I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
