god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
