I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
