By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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