i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
