pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
