I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bring me that man meat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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