So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize