Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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