I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Soap is not a condiment
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
