I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
