You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
