I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
