I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
