i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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