Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
