You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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