this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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