I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize