My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
