I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
