Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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