I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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