Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
