Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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