I'm so fucking centered right now
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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