My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How does one acquire holy water?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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