i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
