dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
