Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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