Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
