if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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