I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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