She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
