we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
