I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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