Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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