ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
