Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
