a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
