Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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