Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
